["To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word!","I'll call you later. Don't call me later, call me Dad!","How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans.","What's Forrest Gump's Facebook password? 1forest1.","What do you call it when Batman skips church? Christian Bale.","What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y.","Did you hear about the man who fell into an upholstery machine? He's fully recovered.","Why didn't the melons get married? Because they cantaloupe.","What kind of egg did the evil chicken lay? A deviled egg.","Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.","Why does Snoop Dogg always carry an umbrella? Fo' Drizzle.","What did the fisherman say to the magician? Pick a cod, any cod.","What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.","Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold.","How do you organize a space party? You planet.","Did you know that milk is the fastest liquid on earth? It's pasteurized before you even see it.","Why are skeletons so calm? Because nothing gets under their skin.","What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing, they just waved.","What does a baby computer call his father? Data.","Did you hear about the power outlet who got into a fight with a power cord? He thought he could socket to him.","Why are elevator jokes so good? They work on so many levels.","Why can't a leopard hide? Because he's always spotted.","How do moths swim? Using the butterfly stroke.","How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? 10 tickles.","Do you know the story about the chicken that crossed the border? Me neither, I couldn't follow it.","I made a pencil with two erasers. It was pointless.","What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk!","What do you call an illegally parked frog? Toad.","Where do baby cats learn to swim? The kitty pool.","Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web.","How can a leopard change his spots? By moving.","It's inappropriate to make a 'dad joke' if you're not a dad. It's a faux pa.","Did you hear about the circus fire? It was in tents.","Can February March? No, but April May!","How can you tell it's a dogwood tree? From the bark.","How do lawyers say goodbye? We'll be suing ya!","Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind—it's tearable.","What's the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament? Live stream.","I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy.","When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.","What's an astronaut's favorite part of a computer? The space bar.","I like telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs!","How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.","I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!","Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.","If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?","The secret service isn't allowed to yell Get down! anymore when the president is about to be attacked. Now they have to yell Donald, duck!","I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!","What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.","I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know","What is the least spoken language in the world? Sign language","A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.","Justice is a dish best served cold, if it were served warm it would be justwater.","What does a zombie vegetarian eat? GRRRAAAAAIIIINNNNS!","If you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you an iWitness?","Did you hear the news? FedEx and UPS are merging. They’re going to go by the name Fed-Up from now on.","Don't trust atoms. They make up everything!","Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn't see himself doing it.","What's the best part about living in Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.","When an ambulance zips past with its siren blaring: They won’t sell much ice cream driving that fast.","5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions.","Why couldn't the bike standup by itself? It was two tired.","Two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks.","When a woman is giving birth, she is literally kidding.","What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison.","Why did the crab never share? Because he's shellfish.","What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef. If the cow has no legs, then it’s ground beef.","I just watched a documentary about beavers. It was the best dam show I ever saw!","What did the horse say after it tripped? Help! I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup!","You know what the loudest pet you can get is? A trumpet.","Why wasn't the woman happy with the velcro she bought? It was a total ripoff.","What noise does a 747 make when it bounces? Boeing, Boeing, Boeing.","What do you call a factory that sells passable products? A satisfactory.","I’m only familiar with 25 letters in the English language. I don’t know why.","What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.","What does an angry pepper do? It gets jalapeño your face.","As a lumberjack, I know that I’ve cut exactly 2,417 trees. I know because every time I cut one, I keep a log.","Why do chicken coops only have two doors? Because if they had four, they would be chicken sedans!","What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino? Elephino.","I was interrogated over the theft of a cheese toastie. Man, they really grilled me.","If you rearrange the letters of “Postmen”. They get really pissed off.","I had a dream that I was a muffler last night. I woke up exhausted!","You heard of that new band 1023MB? They're good but they haven't got a gig yet.","Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.","Did you see they made round bails of hay illegal in Wisconsin? It’s because the cows weren’t getting a square meal.","What do you call a lonely cheese? Provolone.","How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!","What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.","Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood.","What do sprinters eat before a race? Nothing, they fast!","What concert costs just 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!","Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!","What do you call a mac 'n' cheese that gets all up in your face? Too close for comfort food!","Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere!","What happens when you go to the bathroom in France? European.","What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire!","How many apples grow on a tree? All of them!","Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to spread it!","How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together!","Why did the old man fall in the well? Because he couldn't see that well!","Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with!","Want to hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it!","I used to work in a shoe-recycling shop. It was sole destroying!","My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home!","I'm so good at sleeping I can do it with my eyes closed!","Spring is here! I got so excited I wet my *plants*!","I thought about going on an all-almond diet… But that's just nuts!","This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there!","My friend says to me, What rhymes with orange? And I told him, No it doesn't!","My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down!","I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised!","I tell dad jokes but I have no kids … I'm a faux pa!","So a vowel saves another vowel's life. The other vowel says, Aye E! I owe you!","Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!","My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex. They're his watch dogs!","I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It's a little fishy!","Five out of four people admit they're bad with fractions!","Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, Do you know how to drive this thing?","Did you hear about the Italian chef who died? He pasta way!","When the grocery store clerk asks me if I want the milk in a bag, I always tell him, No, I'd rather drink it out of the carton!","The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this!","What's ET short for? Because he's only got tiny legs!","I don't play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I'm just doing it for kicks!","What's brown and sticky? A stick!","What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!","I invented a new word today: Plagiarism!","What do you call a donkey with only three legs? A wonkey!","After dinner, my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it!","Why is Peter Pan always flying? He neverlands!","What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers!","I know a lot of jokes about retired people but none of them work!","What do Santa's elves listen to ask they work? Wrap music!","What rhymes with boo and stinks? You!","If an English teacher is convicted of a crime and doesn't complete the sentence, is that a fragment?","I think my wife is putting glue on my antique weapons collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns!","Which U.S. state is famous for its extra-small soft drinks? Minnesota!","I got a hen to regularly count her own eggs. She's a real mathamachicken!","What did the Ranch say when someone opened the refrigerator door? Close the door, I'm dressing!","Why do trees seem suspicious on sunny days? They just seem a little shady!","What did the policeman say to his belly button? You're under a vest!","Last night I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.","A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!","Why did the math book look so sad? Because of all of its problems!","I don't really call for funerals that start before noon. I guess I'm just not a mourning person!","If two vegans get in a fight, is it still considered a beef?","One of my favorite memories as a kid was when my brothers used to put me inside a tire and roll me down a hill. They were Goodyears!","It takes guts to be an organ donor.","What's black and white and read all over? Newspaper","I'm afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered.","My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.","Why do fathers take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing? In case they get a hole in one!","Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera.","What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie? Sofishticated.","How do you follow Will Smith in the snow? You follow the fresh prints.","Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.","How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.","What did one wall say to the other? I'll meet you at the corner.","What did the zero say to the eight? That belt looks good on you.","Where do fruits go on vacation? Pear-is!","I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing.","What did Baby Corn say to Mama Corn? Where's Pop Corn?","Where do you learn to make a banana split? Sundae school.","What has more letters than the alphabet? The post office!","Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!","What do you call a poor Santa Claus? St. Nickel-less.","I got carded at a liquor store, and my Blockbuster card accidentally fell out. The cashier said never mind.","Where do boats go when they're sick? To the boat doc.","How do you get a squirrel to like you? Act like a nut.","Why don't eggs tell jokes? They'd crack each other up.","I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.","Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.","What did one hat say to the other? Stay here! I'm going on ahead.","What does a lemon say when it answers the phone? Yellow!","What kind of car does an egg drive? A yolkswagen.","How do you make 7 even? Take away the s.","Why didn't the skeleton climb the mountain? It didn't have the guts.","What do you call it when a snowman throws a tantrum? A meltdown.","How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.","I have a joke about chemistry, but I don't think it will get a reaction.","My dad told me a joke about boxing. I guess I missed the punch line.","I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.","A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.","You think swimming with sharks is expensive? Swimming with sharks cost me an arm and a leg.","Do you wanna box for your leftovers? No, but I'll wrestle you for them.","Shout out to my fingers. I can count on all of them.","I once had a dream I was floating in an ocean of orange soda. It was more of a fanta sea.","Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's okay, he woke up.","I once got fired from a canned juice company. Apparently I couldn't concentrate.","I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.","I used to hate facial hair...but then it grew on me.","I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner—it was just gathering dust!","You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.","What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.","I used to be a personal trainer. Then I gave my too weak notice.","What do you call a belt made of watches? A waist of time.","What happens when a strawberry gets run over crossing the street? Traffic jam.","What do you call two monkeys that share an Amazon account? Prime mates.","Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square.","Whenever I try to eat healthy, a chocolate bar looks at me and Snickers.","What's a robot's favorite snack? Computer chips.","What do clouds wear? Thunderwear.","Why are piggy banks so wise? They're filled with common cents.","My colleagues at work have given me the nickname “Mr. Compromise.” It wasn’t my first choice, but I’m ok with it.","I buy all my guns from a guy who calls himself “T-Rex.” He's a small arms dealer.","6:30 is the best time on a clock. Hands down.","I don't understand the controversy behind cloning. Clones are people two.","My grandfather was always terrible until I had my first child. Now he’s a great grandfather.","I grilled a chicken for two hours. It still wouldn't tell me why it crossed the road...","T-shirt is actually short for tyrannosaurus shirt. It’s because of the small arms.","Did you know that before crowbars were invented...Crows mostly drank alone.","Hi there, I'm Buzz Aldrin, the second person to ever walk on the moon.. Neil before me..","Dad, do you know why it’s so dark at night? No sun."]